Hello everyone! It’s been a while…
I haven’t been very motivated to write about personal stuff over the last couple of years. Until now, that is. I’ve been in the throes of some big life events(™) that have made me ask a lot of questions about myself. A couple of them are good. One of them has been pretty bad and made me feel very upset about myself as a person. If you know what that is, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. I’m not really up for fully explaining what happens, in case somebody decides to take things the wrong way. Such is life…
Anyway, all of this has made me decide to muse on various aspects of my life. More specifically, the things to do with my identity and how I just… operate, as a person. How has my identity developed? How has how I work as a human being shaped a lot of my experiences and behaviours? Why have I, for the longest time in my life, felt like I don’t really fit in anywhere or with anyone? I don’t know if I’ve 100% found the answers, but I do think I’m much closer to them than I used to be.
As many of you will likely know by now (if you know me well enough already), I am neurodivergent. I have Social Communication Disorder and Dyspraxia. I was diagnosed with both of those at the age of 5. I have lived almost my entire life knowing that I’m a bit weird. I don’t know anything else. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t like to. I wouldn’t be me, otherwise.
Whilst Social Communication Disorder is part of the autistic spectrum, it is not autism. I am not autistic. I used to lump myself in with autistic people in the past, but very recently I have realised that I am genuinely not that way at all beyond my social issues. I have a theory of mind. I don’t get loads of issues with sensory stuff, overstimulation and burnout. Overstimulation and burnout does happen, but a lot of the time it is due to other reasons. It’s completely understandable why I used to lump myself in with autistic people. I have generally gotten on fairly well with them and been able to be there for them when they feel like nobody else understands. But I really am not autistic. More autistic-adjacent, if you will.
I am also a heteroromantic demisexual. If you know what that means, you probably spend a lot of time on the internet like I do. If you don’t, it basically means that I only like girls and I don’t feel much attraction to them unless I know what they’re like as people. Casual sex just does not happen. Most women look like woman-looking figures with no physical or emotional attachment to me until I get to know them, or something about their personality. I’ll notice striking features, but not much else. I can’t help that. That’s just how I am. It’s how I was built. How my brain works.
On top of all of that, I am very introverted. I really mean very. I avoid most social things. I get very overwhelmed by venues larger and louder than large clubs or arenas. I dislike living in cities and prefer being in quiet, small towns or villages where life is slower and neighbours are friendlier. Even in quiet settings, I can’t socially interact with people for more than a couple of hours without wanting to go outside, sit in a quiet corner or just go home to the comforting surroundings of my bedroom.
My introversion, combined with my Social Communication Disorder, has the effect of making me very socially unsophisticated. The way I view any kind of relationship with people is almost laughably simple, to be honest. I am very simple and direct with people. I don’t like office or workplace politics at all and actively avoid the kind of social machinations that office workers seem to love. I’m not political with my relationships with other people. I refuse to people please, too. I don’t care who you are, if I don’t like being around you I just won’t even attempt to try. I might even tell you directly that I don’t like you, if you really get on my nerves!
My introversion even extends to my personal style. I hate dressing up nice. I prefer wearing casual, comfy clothes. I have no tattoos or piercings. I never wear any makeup or nail polish and that’s not out of toxic masculinity because I don’t have those issues with my personality. I just like things to be very simple. Uncomplicated. I don’t want to wear something that would make me the centre of attention. I want to be off to the side, letting the people who are good at being the centre of attention whilst I just do my thing without being bothered.
As you might imagine, all these things combined together make dating… difficult, to say the least. In fact, they make having meaningful friendships very difficult, let alone romantic and sexual ones. At the age of 28, my friendships and relationships have been a shambles, to say the least. I actually enjoyed the pandemic era because it meant I got to stay at home, with no pressure to go outside and do social things or talk to people I really couldn’t stand after more than a relatively small amount of time.
These factors have affected my professional life hugely, too. This is especially true when it comes to my introversion. I distinctly remember considering becoming an archivist whilst I was still in university because I wouldn’t really have to deal with the social stresses and complications of other people. My current career as a lorry driver was hugely motivated by the fact that I can spend large periods of time on my own, away from an office, and I don’t have to interact with other people too much. I went to one fancy music industry press event some years ago and I have never been to another big fancy press event since because the fuss involved with them is just too socially intense for me.
If I was to describe how I feel about my life, my identity and how other people accept it, it’s like living on an island. A strange, grey island where nobody really wants to go. On the plus side, this suits my extremely introverted self very well. I can just go about my life how I want to. Nobody bothers me. It’s nice and peaceful. On the other hand, though, I do feel incredibly lonely and misunderstood sometimes. Too neurodivergent for neurotypical people. Not neurodivergent enough for autistic people. Too sexual for asexuals. Not sexual enough for allosexuals. Couple that with my pronounced introversion and you get the crushing inevitability of leading a rather lonely existence. It’s hard sometimes.
Feeling like I live on a weird, grey island makes so much sense for how other people have perceived me over the years. I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. In fact, I am very few peoples’ cup of tea! I am often completely misunderstood. I’ve been labelled as having an attitude problem more times than I can count on my fingers. I’ve made people genuinely frustrated and angry with me because my unsophisticated social skills have thrown them off. Over time, I’ve learned to accept this. But it still sucks. I often find myself wishing that I could be properly understood, at least for a short while.
I used to get extremely sad about all of this. Now? Not so much. Not since those aforementioned big life events(™). Yes, my life is in a strange place where not a lot of people understand me. But, quite honestly, that’s OK. I am happier with myself now than I have been in a very long time. I’ve become much more aware of what I need in my life. The days where I would let people who were, in hindsight, very toxic to my mental health stay in my life in a big capacity are almost gone. I’ve learned to trust my own judgement much better. I’ve learned to be more open and upfront about what I want and what I need, so that people know exactly where I stand and where my personal boundaries are.
Do I fully know myself yet? Of course not. I haven’t even hit my 30s! But, I do feel like I’m really getting there. Self-awareness and self-acceptance is hard a lot of the time. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what gender you identify as or when and where you grew up. But, self-awareness and self-acceptance are both things that are very worthwhile.
How long will it be before I post any more personal updates? Hopefully not another 2+ years! We’ll see. It all depends on how motivated I am to write about personal stuff like this. Maybe, with the world coming out of isolation and things nearly back to normal again, I’ll be much more motivated and I might be able to write posts like this at least once a month. I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens. Sometimes, that really is the best thing to do.
Robert Percy's Ramblings 